What I did today

I made my bed today.

And for those being snarky about if I “want a cookie” for such an accomplishment-yes I do and you can bite me.

Some days, well, some days are difficult to traverse the hills and caves and valleys and rivers that are my oft-times chaotic thoughts. It is the lovely result of my anxiety and depression. It is the struggle to get out of bed, let alone do something as mundane as properly make that bed up.

If I am doing well, like today, then I straighten the sheets and re-tuck the blanket and with precision I lay out the burgundy velvet comforter. Then I will fluff all the pillows and place each of my additional swarm of cute decorative pillows in their correct alignment and place my delicate soft pink throw at the foot of the bed.

The cherry atop this pillow sundae?

My pink woolen unicorn with a pink yarn mane.

Once done, it looks lovely and always makes me smile.

It also makes me want to accomplish another task…ANY other task. Because I feel amazingly happy that I got out of bed and then made that bed, so that the depression and anxiety did not win. Not at that moment. And god knows, when that happens, I will take any task like this as a WIN.

Honestly. That was it.

I started my day with one simple task. I made my bed. And that can often lead me to another task and then another. It does not always combat the depression or whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. But I find that, for me, it sets a precedent.

“I don’t have time to have a break down! I just made my bed, dammit. I got shit to do!”

And if the bed is made then, well, I should just go ahead and shower and get pretty.

Does this work every time?

Hell no!

But I try. I try to let that small gesture of a made bed keep me focused on the momentum of moving. Of being. Of facing the day. Of being a better version of who I was yesterday.

Yesterday?

Fuck! Yesterday I was a hot mess.

I did not make my bed. I did not shower or get dressed or get pretty or any of the myriad lists of things I should have done. Because I was a hot mess even before I got out of bed. I was having a breakdown as I lay there in the swirl and waves of sheets and blankets and pillows. I was trying not to choke on the very air I breathed because I was being sucked under the whirlpool of self doubt, self hate, self flagellation, and stuttering tears. Pleas for rescue to a god I once served did nothing to stop the weight of agony and sorrow. Deep breaths as I was standing on my back deck at 4AM, trying to get my mind to reboot, did nothing more than get me a mouth full of hot air and, yucky, a bug of some sort.

But-later in the day-I texted with my friend Jon and then with my niece Brinn. I had a phone call with my sister-in-law and we worked on her recent recipes.

Most importantly I found out that Scotland’s national animal is the Unicorn.

Yesterday I tried very hard to find myself again after all of that cluster-o-stupid that is my depression and anxiety. The swirl of intensive emotion and mental onslaught that keeps me out of focus of my dreams and off kilter from my path.

So today…

…today I woke up, GOT UP, and made my bed.

I had some tea.

I showered.

And dressed.

And feel pretty.

Today.

I did one task that helped me move and breathe and, oddly enough, for a while…feel normal.

Because, so often, I feel anything BUT normal.

What one task did you complete that made your day better? If you are like me, it is often the mundane that helps me to refocus and resurface after an episode like I have been having of late.

If you are like me and deal on a daily basis with depression and anxiety and panic and fear and emptiness and sorrow and so many other things that strip us of who we once were and who we want to be again, you are not alone.

Do not listen to those voices that tell you that you do not deserve a lovely made up bed. That you do not deserve to be happy. Or pretty. Or even to be alive.

They are lies!

You, my lovelies, deserve the very stars in the sky!

Treat yourself to one thing that reminds you that you deserve better than crumpled bedclothes and a crumpled life.

just a thought…

…I think we all need to remember one simple truth.

we are all ordinary.

we are all boring.

we are all spectacular.

we are all shy.

we are all bold.

we are all frightened.

we are all helpless.

we are all heros.

we simply are all of these things on different days.

be who ever you are today, my lovelies.

……late night thoughts

Are you ever scared? Scared to take a chance? A chance on yourself?

I am.

Often.

But I have to remind myself of one simple truth…

We can do anything if only we dared to let go and do it. Deep down we each know it, too. That is what is so frightening, isn’t it? Knowing we can accomplish so much yet afraid of taking the step.

We could shake the cosmos themselves if only…

If only…

If only we would walk though the fire in our souls that is ignited by our fear.

Who would you become if you let go of who your fear has made you?

Let go and find out.

Take a chance on yourself.

I dare you!

just a reminder…

the sky is not the limit

your mind is

do not let your dreams and ambitions and plans fall to the wayside because you overthought something
do not let the doubt and fear and worry hinder you

do not let the thoughts and words of others stop you

just because some nincompoop thinks they know better than you do about yourself and what you should be doing does not mean they are right

(unless they are telling you not do meth because yeah…they know what they are talking about)

we are stardust my lovelies!

let us each act like we are made from the  essence of the universe

and

SHINE

sleepless meanderings

my lovelies

please do not let your struggle become your identity
you are so much more than your

pain     sorrow     trauma     fear

there is such vibrant vitality
within each of your souls
do not be defined nor boxed within the confines
of your past

you are more than just a sad story

you are a psalm
you are poetry

late night thought…

I think all of us have a feeling of “I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD!” in us.

I think that is an amazing attribute.

How wonderful it is to see someone or something worth saving and finding a way to do so.

But I hope you know that it is perfectly okay if you are only able to save one person.

And it is even more okay if that one person…is you.

Sometimes, we are our only salvation.

Baby Steps

Have you ever seen babies take their first steps? It is rather hilarious to watch these tiny beings stagger around like mini drunk people! But while we have all chuckled at a baby plopping on its diapered behind, we probably also noticed something else.

People never get angry that they fell on their bottoms…they praise them.

Babies are encouraged and hugged and smiled at through the whole process.

You do not criticize their fall. You do not shake a finger as their chubby legs go out from under them.

If you did, well, that would make you a complete twatapotomus!

What you do is help them back up.

You clap and encourage and hold their hands and work with them till they can walk on their own.

I think as adults we need remember this. We need to relearn this lesson.

We need to stop criticizing the falls people take. The falls WE ourselves take.

We need to hold hands with one another and help each other as we each take our staggering steps in life. We need to look at a person as a whole being and not simply focus on one bad moment. That one bad moment should not completely negate them as a person. (Unless they kicked a puppy then they should be beaten!)

Let each of us spend more time applauding our small steps than criticizing our falls.

Encourage one another to keep taking the small steps because each small step will take you to something bigger. Do not put someone down for making progress regardless of how fast or slow it may be. Instead encourage and applaud and rejoice with them. Some of us do not have many cheerleaders in our lives. Some of us do not even know how to be our own cheerleaders. Help one another be the best person they can be.

Because how we react to another person’s endeavors says more about us than it says about them.

Help one another! Cheer one another on! Hold each other’s hands!

Life can be hard at times and we are all very human and we each make mistakes. Stop reminding people of those mistakes. Stop pushing people back down if they stumble. Help one another up!

Remember that a true queen helps fix another person’s crown without telling the world that it was ever crooked in the first place.

Be true queens, my lovelies!

Long Time No Write!

Hello everyone! (Waves at screen, then realizes I just waved at the laptop and slowly puts my hand down. I really need to stop doing that.)

It has been an extremely long time since I wrote on my blog. I was in a rather unhappy spot, you see. My beloved Lulu had just passed and with the loss of my precious Boji earlier in the year, I was feeling quite lonely.

And sad.

And scared.

And lost.

And a lot of other words that I really am not up to writing at this moment. Suffice it to say-I was a hot mess. Still fabulous! But a fabulous hot mess, none the less.

I have spent the last few months in my own head and heart and house. All tucked away and quiet trying to come to terms with life. I had been hiding because in life, “hiding from” is so much easier than “dealing with”.

I suppose since this was Easter Weekend-the time of resurrection and new life-I felt I needed to resurrect my own life. Resurrect my purpose. Resurrect my love of writing.

I lost a spark within me when Lulu left and went on “vacation.” And I have not found that specific spark again. That fire within me that had been there since my childhood. That driving force that often had me awake in the middle of the night needing to put pen to paper, thought to fruition, story to life. That fire was blown out.

So…I decided to find a different spark. Got my own damn matches out and set shit on fire!

I am back at it again! Words are flowing-slowly yes-but flow is flow.

For all of you who have stayed with me and encouraged me and whispered words of wisdom and strength to me, I must thank you! You believed in me when I was unable to believe in myself. I have been reminded that I had a plan and a dream and a talent.

It has not been easy though. I have to admit to a slow start and sketchy showing. Rather like an old robot that needs oil. A stuttered bit of typing. An ink smudged piece of paper. Words and thoughts and random bits of an echoing idea. Each coming together to remind me of why I started this. Of what I wanted to share. Of who I was.

I realized during many dark tear filled nights and cold wind swept days that I was trying to out run something that was un-runnable. (Yes! I know that is not a word! I’m using it anyway!)

It has been like I was racing from a storm. But the storm kept changing directions. It took me a while to realize that the storm was changing towards which ever direction I was heading. I turn left and so did the storm. I go backwards and the storm followed. All the bluster and rain and debris followed each turn I took. Over and over I would start this dance with this storm. Sometimes leading, often being lead. Like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.

But why?

That is when I realized that this storm did not randomly blow in from nowhere. This storm was me. Something inside of me. And I needed stop. Stop the “tooing” and “froing” and backing and forthing. I needed to stop and step inside the storm. Close my eyes and take a step into the eye of the storm that was chasing me from within. Embrace the flow of the wind and rain and keep stepping through to the other side.

Just a side note: I am not all the way through this storm.

But I will keep going. I may need to pick up an umbrella though.

Happy Happy!!

Has anyone else been looking over their shoulder at what was 2018 thinking, “From the bottom of my heart, what the fuck was THAT?”

I have been! I have had some major ups and downs! 2018 was like an incredibly bad amusement park ride.

But, in a few short minutes, this year will be over. (Thank fuck!)

Personally, I am not one to make resolutions. Never saw the need actually. Saying something does not make it happen. (Wouldn’t THAT be awesome if it did?!) Only hard work will bring results. Hard work, a positive attitude, and a willingness to believe in your dreams!

As I said, I do not do the “resolution” thing. Instead, I wish for some things for each of you, my lovelies!

I wish for peace of heart and mind. Abundance and amazing opportunities. May you share many beautiful moments. Stay positive even when faced with negativity and contempt. Be brave! Love everyone around you and please tell them repeatedly, and with joy, all the reasons WHY you love them! Seek and keep hold of genuine people and relationships. Let there be more laughter than tears. When you need too, take time to recharge and relax. Do not give your time and energy and power to people who use you and return nothing. And please-take the time you need to heal when your heart has been hurt.

Mostly, I wish you love! Love yourself! Love others! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

Remember, my darlings! The same God who created the galaxies and oceans, monkeys and the mountains, looked at you and thought, YES!, the universe needed one of you too! Because each of you are amazing!

Sending you the very best wishes for a very fabulous New Year!

Peace!

Day by day

I have been wanting to write these last few days. Share about my weekend with the family as we celebrated my niece Brinn’s college graduation. Yay Brinn!

Share how my redecorating has been going with new curtains, bedding, and a new bed because my old one finally broke. I bought the old bed used when I got divorced…18 years ago. No more springs poking me in the rump! (And I have been divorced longer than I was married!)

Share that I got my new toaster-which is PINK and after nearly 3 weeks I have NOT burnt anything down. Nor have I tried to heat up a muffin because apparently I was the only one who did not think about removing the wrapper from the afore mentioned muffin of yummy goodness.

Share that my sister-in-law Cyndee (Hi Cyndee! Waves!) was worried about my being a pyromaniac menace to myself and the neighborhood and very kindly bought me a microwave because, and I quote, “It will change your life!” Once it arrives-warmed up muffins for EVERYONE! Wrapper and all!

Or share that when asked how I am doing, I have been replying with a smile and the words, “I am fine!”

Like the liar I am.

Despite the new bed of awesomeness or the new toaster, I find myself hunkered down in my office. Here I am surrounded by an eclectic array of things that inspire me.

Make me happy. Or, if not completely happy, at least at peace about NOT being totally happy.

Pictures of my beloved Leonard Nimoy and his character Spock. The books of his poetry that struck a chord within this once very young child. My picture of Dave Grohl and me from when I met him in 2011. We chatted for about 20 minutes! Nice nice nice man! My stuffed Spock bear that fascinated Lulu because if you press his hand it plays the Star Trek theme song. She loved that thing! Would steal it off the shelf and carry it to her bed. Random books that I enjoy and find myself re-reading. Random books I thought I would enjoy that I have not yet turned a page of. Sayings and quotes that make me think. And due to my resurgence of enjoyment in the band Queen, I have a few items on display of Freddie Mercury as well. I even have a tambourine! Which tinkles once in a while if the fan catches it just right. Why a tambourine you ask? Because I am a rock star at heart and, while I can sing, I cannot play any other instrument!

I am simply trying to find my peace again. Trying to find my center after the turmoil of the last few weeks. I did not realize my dependence upon my Baby Girl for strength and stability. She was my point of focus. A soothing countenance to my chaos.

So, now, I have to make my own “self” the point of focus.

I am damn fabulous so I am not certain why I am struggling with this!?

I find my mind wandering…more than usual. That damn thing is always on some weird scavenger hunt it seems, and corralling it into a focused state for more than 3 minutes is slightly, aggravatingly difficult. So easily distracted by pretty things, music and food. (Oh! I have M&M’s!)

Please stick with me my dear lovelies!

I am very much a work in progress. I just have hit a rough patch these last few weeks. Trying to make sense out of senselessness. Trying to pull my heart and soul out of a cavern of pain and yes, I will admit this, self pity.

I do wonder at times why me? Why my girls? But this is a useless and extremely counter-productive measure to find healing.

And for those of you who think I should be okay by now. Healed and ready to move on? You have no clue what I am going through! You can kiss my lily white tattooed….sigh.

Sorry.

You know what?

Healing is a very personal and individual process.

I have dealt with people recently who talk about “my personal healing” as if it is some mystical process that a few scented candles and rubbing some crystals will solve. These hippy tree huggers can honest to god kiss my lily white tattooed….sigh.

Sorry. Again.

But let’s face it people. Healing of any sort-physical, emotional, mental, spiritual-it is a damn dirty business. It is facing the truths of ourselves and finding a way to create a better version, a stronger version, of our inner most being. It is facing the good and bad of our souls.

It ain’t pretty!

And that is why I am, in a sense, hiding in my office.

I have some of my favorite music playing. I have a book of poetry open on my lap. A notebook open with odd bits and notes that I am working on. I have my 7th …no… 8th cup of tea at my elbow. I am finding a way to work on me. Finding the things that bring me peace. Finding ways to redirect my wayward thoughts when I am reminded of the silence in my house. The lack of dog hair in my tea cup. The absence of squeaky toys underfoot.

It is a process. I went through it when I have lost others in my life. The sudden knowledge that someone who was always supposed to be there…just was not.

I am trying to work on accepting things as they come to me. The “what is, is” mindset. I need to find a way to keep myself together in the chaos, no matter what life throws my way.

Because life…well…life can get hard sometimes. And you still have to get up! Get the fuck up and keep going! You can choose to be one of two things. A puddle. Or an ocean.

Who would want to be a puddle? People walk through puddles and laugh.

We need to learn to be an ocean when life drops us to our knees. Oceans are powerful.

And frightening.

And “awe” inspiring.

I am still desperately upset about losing my Lulu. I will not simply be “done” missing her or dealing with her absence. But I am also upset that I am losing myself.

So I will try to roar…not from the sorrow. But from the crashing of the waves that is my ocean.

Wish me luck, my darlings!

The Randomness of Brilliance

In my defense...I was left unsupervised.

RomComDojo

Just for a laugh

Atlas Obscura - Latest Articles and Places

In my defense...I was left unsupervised.

Messy Nessy Chic

In my defense...I was left unsupervised.

The Bloggess

Bizarre thoughts from author Jenny Lawson - Like Mother Teresa, only better.

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.