What I did today

I made my bed today.

And for those being snarky about if I “want a cookie” for such an accomplishment-yes I do and you can bite me.

Some days, well, some days are difficult to traverse the hills and caves and valleys and rivers that are my oft-times chaotic thoughts. It is the lovely result of my anxiety and depression. It is the struggle to get out of bed, let alone do something as mundane as properly make that bed up.

If I am doing well, like today, then I straighten the sheets and re-tuck the blanket and with precision I lay out the burgundy velvet comforter. Then I will fluff all the pillows and place each of my additional swarm of cute decorative pillows in their correct alignment and place my delicate soft pink throw at the foot of the bed.

The cherry atop this pillow sundae?

My pink woolen unicorn with a pink yarn mane.

Once done, it looks lovely and always makes me smile.

It also makes me want to accomplish another task…ANY other task. Because I feel amazingly happy that I got out of bed and then made that bed, so that the depression and anxiety did not win. Not at that moment. And god knows, when that happens, I will take any task like this as a WIN.

Honestly. That was it.

I started my day with one simple task. I made my bed. And that can often lead me to another task and then another. It does not always combat the depression or whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. But I find that, for me, it sets a precedent.

“I don’t have time to have a break down! I just made my bed, dammit. I got shit to do!”

And if the bed is made then, well, I should just go ahead and shower and get pretty.

Does this work every time?

Hell no!

But I try. I try to let that small gesture of a made bed keep me focused on the momentum of moving. Of being. Of facing the day. Of being a better version of who I was yesterday.

Yesterday?

Fuck! Yesterday I was a hot mess.

I did not make my bed. I did not shower or get dressed or get pretty or any of the myriad lists of things I should have done. Because I was a hot mess even before I got out of bed. I was having a breakdown as I lay there in the swirl and waves of sheets and blankets and pillows. I was trying not to choke on the very air I breathed because I was being sucked under the whirlpool of self doubt, self hate, self flagellation, and stuttering tears. Pleas for rescue to a god I once served did nothing to stop the weight of agony and sorrow. Deep breaths as I was standing on my back deck at 4AM, trying to get my mind to reboot, did nothing more than get me a mouth full of hot air and, yucky, a bug of some sort.

But-later in the day-I texted with my friend Jon and then with my niece Brinn. I had a phone call with my sister-in-law and we worked on her recent recipes.

Most importantly I found out that Scotland’s national animal is the Unicorn.

Yesterday I tried very hard to find myself again after all of that cluster-o-stupid that is my depression and anxiety. The swirl of intensive emotion and mental onslaught that keeps me out of focus of my dreams and off kilter from my path.

So today…

…today I woke up, GOT UP, and made my bed.

I had some tea.

I showered.

And dressed.

And feel pretty.

Today.

I did one task that helped me move and breathe and, oddly enough, for a while…feel normal.

Because, so often, I feel anything BUT normal.

What one task did you complete that made your day better? If you are like me, it is often the mundane that helps me to refocus and resurface after an episode like I have been having of late.

If you are like me and deal on a daily basis with depression and anxiety and panic and fear and emptiness and sorrow and so many other things that strip us of who we once were and who we want to be again, you are not alone.

Do not listen to those voices that tell you that you do not deserve a lovely made up bed. That you do not deserve to be happy. Or pretty. Or even to be alive.

They are lies!

You, my lovelies, deserve the very stars in the sky!

Treat yourself to one thing that reminds you that you deserve better than crumpled bedclothes and a crumpled life.

just a thought…

…I think we all need to remember one simple truth.

we are all ordinary.

we are all boring.

we are all spectacular.

we are all shy.

we are all bold.

we are all frightened.

we are all helpless.

we are all heros.

we simply are all of these things on different days.

be who ever you are today, my lovelies.

……late night thoughts

Are you ever scared? Scared to take a chance? A chance on yourself?

I am.

Often.

But I have to remind myself of one simple truth…

We can do anything if only we dared to let go and do it. Deep down we each know it, too. That is what is so frightening, isn’t it? Knowing we can accomplish so much yet afraid of taking the step.

We could shake the cosmos themselves if only…

If only…

If only we would walk though the fire in our souls that is ignited by our fear.

Who would you become if you let go of who your fear has made you?

Let go and find out.

Take a chance on yourself.

I dare you!

just a reminder…

the sky is not the limit

your mind is

do not let your dreams and ambitions and plans fall to the wayside because you overthought something
do not let the doubt and fear and worry hinder you

do not let the thoughts and words of others stop you

just because some nincompoop thinks they know better than you do about yourself and what you should be doing does not mean they are right

(unless they are telling you not do meth because yeah…they know what they are talking about)

we are stardust my lovelies!

let us each act like we are made from the  essence of the universe

and

SHINE

sleepless meanderings

my lovelies

please do not let your struggle become your identity
you are so much more than your

pain     sorrow     trauma     fear

there is such vibrant vitality
within each of your souls
do not be defined nor boxed within the confines
of your past

you are more than just a sad story

you are a psalm
you are poetry

late night thought…

I think all of us have a feeling of “I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD!” in us.

I think that is an amazing attribute.

How wonderful it is to see someone or something worth saving and finding a way to do so.

But I hope you know that it is perfectly okay if you are only able to save one person.

And it is even more okay if that one person…is you.

Sometimes, we are our only salvation.

Baby Steps

Have you ever seen babies take their first steps? It is rather hilarious to watch these tiny beings stagger around like mini drunk people! But while we have all chuckled at a baby plopping on its diapered behind, we probably also noticed something else.

People never get angry that they fell on their bottoms…they praise them.

Babies are encouraged and hugged and smiled at through the whole process.

You do not criticize their fall. You do not shake a finger as their chubby legs go out from under them.

If you did, well, that would make you a complete twatapotomus!

What you do is help them back up.

You clap and encourage and hold their hands and work with them till they can walk on their own.

I think as adults we need remember this. We need to relearn this lesson.

We need to stop criticizing the falls people take. The falls WE ourselves take.

We need to hold hands with one another and help each other as we each take our staggering steps in life. We need to look at a person as a whole being and not simply focus on one bad moment. That one bad moment should not completely negate them as a person. (Unless they kicked a puppy then they should be beaten!)

Let each of us spend more time applauding our small steps than criticizing our falls.

Encourage one another to keep taking the small steps because each small step will take you to something bigger. Do not put someone down for making progress regardless of how fast or slow it may be. Instead encourage and applaud and rejoice with them. Some of us do not have many cheerleaders in our lives. Some of us do not even know how to be our own cheerleaders. Help one another be the best person they can be.

Because how we react to another person’s endeavors says more about us than it says about them.

Help one another! Cheer one another on! Hold each other’s hands!

Life can be hard at times and we are all very human and we each make mistakes. Stop reminding people of those mistakes. Stop pushing people back down if they stumble. Help one another up!

Remember that a true queen helps fix another person’s crown without telling the world that it was ever crooked in the first place.

Be true queens, my lovelies!

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