The Randomness of Brilliance
In my defense…I was left unsupervised.
I am being ignored…
…by my Baby Girl Lulu. Apparently I do not smell as fascinating as bunnies under the deck.
I will take that as a compliment!
It’s a beautiful morning out in my back yard. Lulu has yet to piddle because of the afore-mentioned sniffing expedition. The sun is shining and I am….
Well I don’t know what I am!
Not bored. Not worried. Not excited. Not over whelmed.
Just “whelmed” I suppose. Is that an emotion? It should be!
I am not in a dramatic emotional position what-so-ever. I simply am.
And that is an okay place to be.
I deal with so much mental chatter most days that having a morning filled with mental nothing is a relief.
I am not being mentally assaulted by every thought, action, image, memory, or detail of a thousand different moments in my life all at once. I am simply enjoying the moment. Enjoying Lulu’s sniffing and snuffling. Enjoying the breeze. Enjoying the sun. Enjoying the mental peace and quiet.
I suppose this seems odd for some of you. That a quiet moment would mean so much. But know this about me. I deal with excruciating anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I am in a constant mental state of “battle readiness.”
And fuck me if this ain’t tiring as hell!!
Before you ask-yes I am on meds. Yes I have seen a therapist. Yes it all has been a tremendous help. But for those in the “know” it is still a daily barrage of thoughts and panic and fear. A struggle to control our minds and maintain a sense of self that is not defined by past abuse or actions.
Most days that’s a success. Some days it is a massive failure.
But it is those in-between days that I relish. The days of nothing. The days when I smile because I am genuinely happy. Am tired because I was busy and it was physical exhaustion that made me want a nap not mental exhaustion.
Those are becoming my “norm” thankfully. As long as I remember to take the medication I am prescribed. That seems like a “duh” thing to remember. Yet-I forgot to do that. I was so cavalier about the fact I was feeling so amazing that I stopped taking my antidepressant.
Stupid egotistical move.
You see, I was only able to control the panic attacks because the depression was under control. Lose one fail safe and the whole thing blows up.
It did too!! BOOM!
Massive panic attack. I had not had one in so many weeks and was feeling so confident and dare I say “cocky” that I just assumed I was cured. (BAHAHAHAH!!)
That’s a negatory good buddy!!
I know better now. I have wonderful people in my life who have been so strong for me when I could not be. I am surrounding myself with calm and peace and joy. And my medication! And Lulu!
It’s not the crutch I feared it would be. It’s a walking stick to help me navigate the sidewalks of my mental state. There when I need to lean on it but mostly decorative to make me even more fabulous! Most days I do not need the extra medication for when the panic attacks start to build, I am stable and good to go with just the antidepressant. But it is there when I do need it. A safety net. Trust me my lovelies, we all need a net to fall into sometimes.
So here I am!
Enjoying this amazing morning with my Baby Girl! Relaxing in the calm and love I feel for myself.
And I shall steal a Cookie Monster quote and make it work for me:
Me will enjoy this quiet interlude while me is outside watching Lulu run back and forth sniffing for bunnies.
Now me wants cookies!
The Randomness of Brilliance 
So happy for you that you had a day. Beautiful post.
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Thank you!! I think I am starting (slowly!) to feel more comfortable with this life change. Lol!! It’s been more scary than I expected if I am honest. Thank you for reading and supporting me!!
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