I am worried about my Lulu.
My Baby Girl is sick.
And I am slightly freaked out because I have gone from “oh poor Baby Girl” to “oh my god what if she (gulp!) ‘goes on vacation’?”
Yeah! Not one moment of in-between for me.
She is going to the vet on Thursday and has to be put under so they can check out a great deal of issues. They all came at once. And I feel a level of guilt because they seemed to happen just after I came back from being out of town.
Yes! I KNOW one thing has absolutely nothing to with the other. But you all have met me!
While I am FABULOUS, I tend to freak out when it comes to my baby. (And various other things I have no control over but we are not talking about my penchant for extravagant irrationalization!)
But-the vet feels everything will be fine once they remove a tooth (or more!), drain the cyst on her foot that had been dormant till this week, put a scope up her nostrils to see if there is a blockage, check her throat and esophagus for a possible lesion that is causing her to hack, see if there is a sinus infection, find a cause for some of the coughing issues she is having and if the “erping” she has been doing (that is tinged slightly pink) is serious or just from all the other stuff.
See why I am slightly freaked?
God above I need to learn to chill the fuck out! Because all of THIS sent me into a massive mental fuck-a-duck tail spin of anxiety that started Thursday night and lasted till about 4 hours ago.
And I am sure the 7 cups of hot sugary cinnamon tea, that apparently has a high caffeine level that I just read about on the box as I sipped on my last cup, has not helped! Would have been 8 cups but I forgot to put a tea bag in one of the cups earlier today. It was just hot sugary water and believe it or not-was not my “cup of tea!” HA! Get it?? I crack me up!
But I need to remember…I cannot control this situation. What is, is. The vet will take amazing care of her because anyone who has met my Baby Girl falls instantly in love with her! Look at her! She is freaking adorable!
She is her Mama’s Baby Girl!
But while I am worried about the financial issues and the “going on vacation” issue, I cannot control anything that happens. I can’t.
I just cannot.
And that kind of pisses me off!
But I can control how I deal with all of this.
My diving head long into a major anxiety attack was NOT the best way to control how I dealt with this.
Normal for me? Hell yes!
The best way to deal? Hell no!
I am trying though. Trying to get better about how I react to things in life. Instead of going right to the self-pity, woe-is-me, why-is-the-world-against-me mode, I need to be more chill.
But that’s the thing isn’t it?
It is easier to just let it all go tits up and bemoan the ending as proof that the whole world is out to screw you up/over/sideways-however you like to be screwed!
But I am honestly tired of that fatalistic attitude. I was raised with it. Lived with it for so many years and let’s be honest…it’s exhausting! I am mentally and emotionally whiped out!
I am trying to just let this come to its own conclusion, as it will. She is going to be fixed up and alright after Thursday. And my Baby Girl will be her happy, bouncy, piddle-on-the-carpet-after-being-outside-for-an-hour, self again.
And I am learning to not go from “oh my” to total chaos in the blink of an amazingly fabulous mascara’d eye! I need to be grateful that all of these issues were caught relatively quick, and, that she will be fixed up right as rain! (Weird phrase, isn’t that? Not everyone thinks rain is right. Personally I love the rain! But then again I have been informed I am weird. Oh look, we’ve come full circle to my original thought about this being a weird phrase! Ha!)
I still have a long way to go to learn to stop freaking out about the things I cannot control. It has always been ingrained in me to look at the negative. Everything was always under the umbrella of “shit inevitably goes to hell in a hand basket so better to expect the bad then hope for anything good”.
Hope. The twinge of thought that something good might come to fruition. (That always was my downfall as a child. Hope!)
But I learned my lesson well. So hope and positivity and looking for the good have all been hard earned gifts. I have had to shed a lot of my old self…and still obviously have a lot more to go.
And maybe that is what this journey we are on is truly about?
Not becoming anything.
Un-becoming everything that you once were. Un-becoming everything that truly is not you. Not the real you! Not the YOU who you were meant to in the first place.
Maybe, just maybe, this little scare with Lulu Belle is a lesson for me to learn to live life as it comes to me. Not waste the time I have nose-diving into fear and worry. Cyndee asked me if I would rather be filled with anxiety over the next few days or spend my time loving and doting on Lulu? Which memory would you rather have, she asked.
You have met Lulu! She is a lover…not a worrier.
Live, my lovelies. Do not let worry and fear steal from you the joy that is this life!
I am comically and tragically pissed off about things.
In my defense...I was left unsupervised.
In my defense...I was left unsupervised.
Bizarre thoughts from author Jenny Lawson - Like Mother Teresa, only better.
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