Who will find me now?

Where is my star in heavens bough
Where is my strength, I need it now
Who can save me, lead me to my destiny
Guide me back safely to my home
Where I belong, once more-Guide Me Home

My Baby Girl.

I had to let her go on vacation today.

Remember that massive freak out I wrote about a few days ago?

That was a sip from a teacup compared to today.

Today was her day at the vet.

Today.

They found a tumor.

They said it was cancer.

They could not operate on it.

They could not fix her.

They gave her only days at best.

They asked what I wanted to do.

Then.

Today.

They had me sign away her life.

Rather mellowdramatically put I know, but in essence, that was what I did.

I could not see prolonging her suffering. It was the hardest damn choice I have made in my existance. I would not wish this on any person with even a hint of a soul. Because saying good bye to the love of my life, the furry child I spoiled, was intensely painful.

She fell asleep with me holding her. Trying to sing to her. But loving her the whole time.

Lisa, oh my dear friend! I thank you for being there at my side crying with me. Holding me, as I held her.

To every one of you who lovingly reached out to me during all of this insanity-thank you for reminding me that SHE LOVED ME and that she KNEW KNEW KNEW I loved her! I often worried I was not doing enough for her. That I was not being a good enough Mama to my Baby Girl.

Lulu was my funny goofball who always made me smile even when I was heartbroken. She brought joy to anyone and everyone she met! She was my Fabulous Diva and she gave you no choice but to love her, worship her, and give her treats! It was those eyes of hers, I believe! No one could deny those velvet brown eyes that looked so innocent and expressive, even as she piddled on the floor or flipped her food bowl.

You could always reach me when I was losing myself, my darling Baby Girl! You would always find me when I was lost in a bad moment, bad memories, bad thoughts. You knew and you would seek me out. You would find me in the midst of my chaos and bring me back with touches and kisses, sniffs and yips. You, my beautiful Lulu Belle, would guide me back to a safe place emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

I am rather lost without you at the moment, my lovely girl.

Where is my star?   Where is my strength?  Where is my home?

4 Comments on “Who will find me now?

  1. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Losing a dog friend is so painful and so awful. You did the right thing, but I know that doesn’t make it any easier. Love and light to you. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

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