Its been a feels like a lifetime

I say goodbye to you
a million times each day
I still hear your voice
echo the words you could not say
you are missed beyond all reason
sorrow carries my heart
I love you for all you gave to me
wish you didn’t have to part

I said goodbye to you
with streaming tears and songs I sang
I held you close
over you I prayed
I know you didn’t understand
you trusted my gentle hand
as I sent you on
to be free
of all your pain
-P. A. Proffitt

I never realized how quiet this damn house is till this past week.

I never realized how much I was soothed by the sound of paws walking through the house. Soft snoring from the sofa.  Basset hound ears flapping as she shook her head. The chatting she would do when she was sitting with me.

I never realized how much I actually talked to her throughout the day. Nor did I realize she was often the only being I talked to most days.

I have meandered through the house picking up her things, putting away her pictures, chuckling at the memories of her antics. And I realize how huge my once crowded house is, now that she and her big personality have gone.

I know to some it seems odd that I am mourning so much over an animal. But she was my everything. Both of my girls were! They were the children I never had, and, actually got treated better than any child I might have had, come to think of it.

I had plans for my Baby Girl!

She was going to go on book tours with me once someone finally accepted a submission and gave me a book deal. She would always get top billing when I dedicated a book. (The rest of you would be sited farther down the list.) She would have her own entourage because, Hello! She was Lulu-Diva Extraordinaire! Oprah and Ellen would be vying for her and me to be on their shows! (Mostly wanting her. I would just tag along to hold her ears out of the water bowl when she drank.)

She helped me to write, too. I would read my poems and stories to her. I would act out scenes for her. Would share dialogue and discuss if things would work as I had them planned out. I did this All. The. Time. (She gave excellent critiques by the way! Thought I was amazing and talented! And I know the treats I gave her had nothing to do with her obviously unbiased opinion.)

She would sit on the back of my chair and wrap herself around my shoulders, nose buried into my neck. She would be a gentle weight to remind me I was not alone. She was the reminder that I was loved.

I am struggling. Struggling sometimes to catch a breath. Struggling to find a way out of my anxiety and depression. She was my anchor. She kept me grounded in the moment.

I am struggling but I am working on the sorrow and the empty spaces within my house and my heart. She filled that space within me. That place where I could give all my love and attention too. It was my honor and joy to dote on her. Even when she was being an annoying little brat who would flip her food bowl because I had not topped her dinner with a sprinkle of shredded cheese.

Oh Baby Girl! The books you chewed up. The rugs you piddled on. The toilet paper rolls you left a trail of all over the house. The chipmunk you chased into the house that I found hiding in the bathtub. The underwear I would find in the backyard. The TV remote you hid in your toy basket. The shoes you mutilated. The table leg that you gnawed on. The kitchen cabinet you would crawl into for reasons I never did figure out.

Oh Lulu-you were my special Baby Girl!

I miss you so much I ache from it.

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