What I did today

I made my bed today.

And for those being snarky about if I “want a cookie” for such an accomplishment-yes I do and you can bite me.

Some days, well, some days are difficult to traverse the hills and caves and valleys and rivers that are my oft-times chaotic thoughts. It is the lovely result of my anxiety and depression. It is the struggle to get out of bed, let alone do something as mundane as properly make that bed up.

If I am doing well, like today, then I straighten the sheets and re-tuck the blanket and with precision I lay out the burgundy velvet comforter. Then I will fluff all the pillows and place each of my additional swarm of cute decorative pillows in their correct alignment and place my delicate soft pink throw at the foot of the bed.

The cherry atop this pillow sundae?

My pink woolen unicorn with a pink yarn mane.

Once done, it looks lovely and always makes me smile.

It also makes me want to accomplish another task…ANY other task. Because I feel amazingly happy that I got out of bed and then made that bed, so that the depression and anxiety did not win. Not at that moment. And god knows, when that happens, I will take any task like this as a WIN.

Honestly. That was it.

I started my day with one simple task. I made my bed. And that can often lead me to another task and then another. It does not always combat the depression or whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. But I find that, for me, it sets a precedent.

“I don’t have time to have a break down! I just made my bed, dammit. I got shit to do!”

And if the bed is made then, well, I should just go ahead and shower and get pretty.

Does this work every time?

Hell no!

But I try. I try to let that small gesture of a made bed keep me focused on the momentum of moving. Of being. Of facing the day. Of being a better version of who I was yesterday.

Yesterday?

Fuck! Yesterday I was a hot mess.

I did not make my bed. I did not shower or get dressed or get pretty or any of the myriad lists of things I should have done. Because I was a hot mess even before I got out of bed. I was having a breakdown as I lay there in the swirl and waves of sheets and blankets and pillows. I was trying not to choke on the very air I breathed because I was being sucked under the whirlpool of self doubt, self hate, self flagellation, and stuttering tears. Pleas for rescue to a god I once served did nothing to stop the weight of agony and sorrow. Deep breaths as I was standing on my back deck at 4AM, trying to get my mind to reboot, did nothing more than get me a mouth full of hot air and, yucky, a bug of some sort.

But-later in the day-I texted with my friend Jon and then with my niece Brinn. I had a phone call with my sister-in-law and we worked on her recent recipes.

Most importantly I found out that Scotland’s national animal is the Unicorn.

Yesterday I tried very hard to find myself again after all of that cluster-o-stupid that is my depression and anxiety. The swirl of intensive emotion and mental onslaught that keeps me out of focus of my dreams and off kilter from my path.

So today…

…today I woke up, GOT UP, and made my bed.

I had some tea.

I showered.

And dressed.

And feel pretty.

Today.

I did one task that helped me move and breathe and, oddly enough, for a while…feel normal.

Because, so often, I feel anything BUT normal.

What one task did you complete that made your day better? If you are like me, it is often the mundane that helps me to refocus and resurface after an episode like I have been having of late.

If you are like me and deal on a daily basis with depression and anxiety and panic and fear and emptiness and sorrow and so many other things that strip us of who we once were and who we want to be again, you are not alone.

Do not listen to those voices that tell you that you do not deserve a lovely made up bed. That you do not deserve to be happy. Or pretty. Or even to be alive.

They are lies!

You, my lovelies, deserve the very stars in the sky!

Treat yourself to one thing that reminds you that you deserve better than crumpled bedclothes and a crumpled life.

2 Comments on “What I did today

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