The Randomness of Brilliance

…by my Baby Girl Lulu. Apparently I do not smell as fascinating as bunnies under the deck.

I will take that as a compliment!

It’s a beautiful morning out in my back yard. Lulu has yet to piddle because of the afore-mentioned sniffing expedition. The sun is shining and I am….

Well I don’t know what I am!

Not bored. Not worried. Not excited. Not over whelmed.

Just “whelmed” I suppose. Is that an emotion? It should be!

I am not in a dramatic emotional position what-so-ever. I simply am.
And that is an okay place to be.

I deal with so much mental chatter most days that having a morning filled with mental nothing is a relief.

I am not being mentally assaulted by every thought, action, image, memory, or detail of a thousand different moments in my life all at once. I am simply enjoying the moment. Enjoying Lulu’s sniffing and snuffling. Enjoying the breeze. Enjoying the sun. Enjoying the mental peace and quiet.

I suppose this seems odd for some of you. That a quiet moment would mean so much. But know this about me. I deal with excruciating anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I am in a constant mental state of “battle readiness.”

And fuck me if this ain’t tiring as hell!!

Before you ask-yes I am on meds. Yes I have seen a therapist. Yes it all has been a tremendous help. But for those in the “know” it is still a daily barrage of thoughts and panic and fear. A struggle to control our minds and maintain a sense of self that is not defined by past abuse or actions.

Most days that’s a success. Some days it is a massive failure.
But it is those in-between days that I relish. The days of nothing. The days when I smile because I am genuinely happy. Am tired because I was busy and it was physical exhaustion that made me want a nap not mental exhaustion.

Those are becoming my “norm” thankfully. As long as I remember to take the medication I am prescribed. That seems like a “duh” thing to remember. Yet-I forgot to do that. I was so cavalier about the fact I was feeling so amazing that I stopped taking my antidepressant.

Stupid egotistical move.

You see, I was only able to control the panic attacks because the depression was under control. Lose one fail safe and the whole thing blows up.

It did too!!  BOOM!

Massive panic attack. I had not had one in so many weeks and was feeling so confident and dare I say “cocky” that I just assumed I was cured. (BAHAHAHAH!!)

That’s a negatory good buddy!!

I know better now. I have wonderful people in my life who have been so strong for me when I could not be. I am surrounding myself with calm and peace and joy. And my medication! And Lulu!

It’s not the crutch I feared it would be. It’s a walking stick to help me navigate the sidewalks of my mental state. There when I need to lean on it but mostly decorative to make me even more fabulous! Most days I do not need the extra medication for when the panic attacks start to build, I am stable and good to go with just the antidepressant. But it is there when I do need it. A safety net. Trust me my lovelies, we all need a net to fall into sometimes.
So here I am!

Enjoying this amazing morning with my Baby Girl! Relaxing in the calm and love I feel for myself.

And I shall steal a Cookie Monster quote and make it work for me:
Me will enjoy this quiet interlude while me is outside watching Lulu run back and forth sniffing for bunnies.

Now me wants cookies!

I have a deep and personal love for Star Trek! (and for those of you who groaned because I am talking about one of my favorite obsessions, remember you love me! And if you forget that – you can BITE ME!)

Today is the 52nd anniversary of Star Trek’s original television premiere.

And I have been watching the original show all day!

There is something rather simplistic in the concept of the show. The solid unquantifiable belief that every one, man or woman or human or nonhuman or all the odd bits and pieces in-between, are equal. They should respect one anothers opinions, even when they differ from your own. They should support and care and honor one another regardless of those differences. And honestly-the costumes are a hoot!

You see for me…my love of Star Trek started with my love for poetry.

Here is the whole odd-ball, round-about way I came to love and respect and appreciate Star Trek. (Original series and Reboot only for me by the way! The other series are fine…I am just not into them.)

When I was a young girl, lost in a house filled with crazy siblings clamoring for attention and even crazier parents trying to give those siblings that attention, I sought solace in books. I was rather quiet growing up. Considered weird by one and all. I was not brash or loud so I tended to get left behind. Ignored.

I was an after thought.

I found a place of my own within stories. Books I had read or stories I had created myself. Reading and writing was my escape!

So, I often found myself wandering around a used book store near our house. (Nine years old and already meandering alone on the streets.) While I was in that book store one afternoon, I found a special book.

Oh! I fell in love with the simple and elegant words! The lines of prose were gentle and easy and brought a calmness to my already tired soul. I was touched by the beauty expressed within those pages. This small book was one of the reasons I wanted to write!

I saved my allowance and purchased this book. Then promptly came home and hid it because the afore-mentioned siblings would have mocked me and I really was not up to that.

That book?

A book of poetry by Leonard Nimoy!

I fell in love with this wonderful man through his words first. Eloquent and pure, much like he was. I learned about life, and love, and existence in this great universe through his writing. Understand-I was nine! I never thought about my existence beyond my dog, Lady, and what we were having for dinner. That was until I read his poems.

It was after I devoured that first book that I was introduced to “Spock”.

Wow! While Leonard Nimoy taught me about existence, Spock taught me why I often struggled with that existence. Spock showed me that regardless of the similarities we all share, each of us are “aliens”. Each of us struggle to accept, not only others who are different, but we struggle to accept ourselves. And Spock taught me, that despite that struggle, I need to continue to be me. To be my genuine self.

As I was charmed by Spock, I also become enthralled by Star Trek itself.

I learned that each one of us has the same capacity to explore this galaxy, be it as wide and expansive as the heavens; or as small as your own back yard. Each of us must look into the great unknown and decide who we wish to become. We must learn to accept one another with respect. We need to learn the hard lesson of loving ourselves (all facets of our selves!), so that we can learn to give that love to others.

But most importantly…I learned to not be afraid. No matter how scary it is, take your fear and use it to push you forward. Your own personal rocket fuel to blast you onward!

I actually miss his presence, odd though that may sound to you. I had never met this man in person, you see. And yes, many of you have “jokingly” mocked my slightly stalkerish obsession with Mr. Nimoy. You do not seem to realize, though, the impact Leonard Nimoy has had on my life. It is…incalculable!

Through this gentle being’s spirit and talents of acting, writing, photography, directing, I have learned to be comfortable within myself. I have learned a valuable lesson by watching his own actions in life with all he had gone though and over come.

Regardless of people, or problems, or obstacles in your way, find your gifts and enhance them. Share them. Revel in them!

Use your fear to find your strength and to find what you want to do. Then-do it proudly!

You see…Leonard Nimoy and Spock and Star Trek taught me one important lesson in this life… to BOLDLY GO where no one has gone before! To where ever YOU choose to land!

Let your “rocket fuel” blast you out of your fears and into your life!

Live Long and Prosper, my lovelies!

Ummmm…..

Okay!  I promise to never say that again!

I am currently visiting my family up in Okoboji. (My only complaint is that it’s a four-hour drive that makes my ass numb!)

But numb-butt aside….

It is lovely up here…warm breezes, soft water lapping against the shore, and laughter drifting along the air. I have collaborated with my favorite sister-in-law, Cyndee.  She and I worked on her next magazine project. I have worked on some poetry and a story idea. I found fabric for new curtains and volunteered Cyndee to sew them. (Thank you for letting me do that!) Saw a movie. Ate popcorn. Tried on shoes. Had some pretty good Chinese food. And am now simply sitting and writing.

All in all….its been good! Real good!

I mentally refer to this place as my “Writer’s Retreat.” In fact, I have my own room in Cyndee’s house. The “Yellow Bedroom”. (Okay-that’s what I call it. It just sounds so fancy-schmancy that way!) I pack like I am moving in and I rearrange everything in the room to make space for all of my shoes, clothes, books, make-up, and what-ever-else I bring with me. (And trust me-I bring A LOT!) Don’t worry-I put everything back in order once I leave.

Tomorrow it is supposed to be warm so we will be heading to the pool! Lots of sun, fun and sun-screen because I burn and turn a rather unfortunate shade of red. I have several books with me to read. Including one that I promised I would finish while on this trip because my friend Jon is beginning to get a complex because he claims I never read things he recommends to me which is so not true!

Well….mostly not.

The only real “care” I have is that I worry about Lulu! Silly-I know! She is with her favorite person, her dog-sitter, Jeffrey. He takes amazing care of her!

BUT!!  She is my Baby Girl! MY BABY GIRL!!! I’m not there to tuck her in, to sing her a lullaby. I’m not there to hand feed her if she doesn’t eat. I’m not there to give her a hug or tummy rub or kisses to her little snoot with all the freckles. I’m not there to groan at her when she flips her bowl of food over. Or to chase after her through the house when she grabs a pair of my under-roo’s out of the laundry basket. Or to be stern with her when she piddles on the floor right after she comes back in from being outside for an hour.  Or heave a huge sigh when she digs into the trash in the bedroom and I find torn up tissues all over the house.

Wait. What was I saying about worrying about her?

Never mind!

I am happy and relaxed. I am surrounded by a whole lotta love. We are going to celebrate my birthday because-HELLO! It’s still my birthday month and we will be having cake!

And most important?

I am  content!

That alone is worth a numb ass and missing my Lulu.

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday dear fabulous Pammy!

Happy birthday to me!!

Okay! Maybe the fabulous Pammy was a bit much.

Hmmmmmm.

Nope! It wasn’t!

Today was my birthday! I celebrated all weekend with people I adore! I was treated to a pedicure, cake, dinner, cards, gifts and more cake! (Holy Hostess ho-ho’s–cake is awesomeness!)

It was wonderful! I had a smile on my face all weekend! My face freaking hurts from it.

And I will admit it….I like being the center of attention once in a while. (Who doesn’t?)

So I just wanted to let everyone who wished me well (or even thought about wishing me well!) thank you!

I adore each of you for your love and friendship.

I don’t feel I am an easy person to know. I can be a great deal of stress and annoyance, I think, to my friends and family.

I am needy and weird. Adorable as hell though, so that makes up for a LOT!

I truly hope that I have been as good a friend as each of you have been to me. Because each of you deserve oodles of love and kindness and support. Each of you are so amazing in your own way. Each of you have been a blessing to me! (Or a pain in my rump-you know who you are!)

Thank you for making my day special….for making me FEEL special.

Peace to each of you, my lovelies! And happy birthday to each of you!!

Have you ever had a “hiccup”? No! I don’t mean the “drank a bucket of soda too fast” kind. I mean the metaphorical kind.

The kind that makes you suddenly fall into a vat of swirling panic and fear. Filled with every dark thought, dark action, dark memory you could conjure.

I had one of those today.

I was at my desk smiling like a goof ball because… I am one.

Then I look down at my power plug and noticed something weird. I touched a cord that looked frayed and there was a SPARK! (Not the good kind either!)

And I may or may not have been zapped. I honestly don’t remember being zapped. (And since, sadly, I have no super powers, that kind of proves it!) But I have been mentally talking to myself in a southern accent reminiscent of Scarlet O’Hara and sputtering out phrases like “Butter my biscuits! Bless your heart! Nascar!”

But that really could be less my being zapped by a stray, bare wire and more me just being me. (My money is on the latter!)

But the modem that this frayed wire was attached to DID get zapped. Well…sweet baby Jesus and sweet tea!

I had a moment, though.

A conscious fearful moment where I felt a well-spring of anxiety start to sprout. This is my life line! This is my connection to making my dream a reality! Holy corn-pone what am I supposed to do now?

But then…I stopped.

Next thing I know I dropped into my chair and started to chuckle.

Things happen. They just…happen. No one to blame.

I could so easily have had a melt down. I could have burst into tears, shaken a fist at the ceiling and de-cry the fickleness of fate. I could have let this cripple me at that very moment. I could have let all of my hard earned strength and determination just collapse.

It would have been easy. It would have been acceptable. It would have been expected.

But God forbid that little ol’ me does what’s “expected”!

You see-I did not want to let fear rule the day.

Because fear is a liar!

So I took a deep breath and pulled my inner southern belle out! With a “fiddle-de-de” and a flouncing twirl in my chair, I just let it go.

Let me repeat.

I. Just. Let. It. Go.

The modem will be replaced and I have alternate ways of communicating. (In fact, I am typing this blog entry on my phone.) I will focus on other things to do, like work on the story outlines and dialogue I have been trying to tweak. I will do other things since I cannot do my usual trolling the internet for cute puppy pictures and make-up! (Yes! I know I can still do this on my phone but you’re killing my groove here with that kind of logic!)

I decided that I will not let a silly little thing like a broken modem take me down.

Lets be honest, though. My first “go-to” was a total emotional upheaval.

But why, you wonder?

It’s comfortable. Giving in to the fear is a normal reaction and it is comfortable. All of the same old doubts and fears were waiting for their cue to rush into my head and clog dance their way into a panic attack.

And let’s admit it-we all have a fear of “something”! We often keep it close and nurture it simply because it IS comfortable. It is easy. It is “known”.

Being afraid is my go-to. It is a mental security blanket that says “you suck” and I accepted that by-line for so much of my life.

BUT!! We all need to LET FEAR GO! Stop believing the lie that fear whispers into our ear-that we will fail, that we are not good enough, or the worst? That we do not deserve this. Each of us deserve happiness and dreams fulfilled. Each of us must let fear go and stop listening to the lie.

And that is what I was able to do! Let the fear go!

Will I always be able to do this?

Hell no!

Despite my grand level of fabulousness, I am actually only human. There will be times when I will break and fear will win. But I will strive to make those moments few and far.

Because fear can kiss my grits!

Please my lovelies! Do not let fear win! Do not listen to those lies in your head that sound suspiciously like all of the negative nay-sayers in your life.

Fear is a liar!

And you deserve only the truth of how awesome each of you are!

Today was my first day not working “a real job”.

I didn’t get dressed in my god-forsaken navy uniform. I didn’t go to an office filled with many people also in a god-forsaken navy uniform. I didn’t listen to people be-moan their existence. I didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of indifference. I didn’t sit in my cubicle badgering my one friend about what we were going to do for lunch. And most importantly…I didn’t have a massive panic attack.

(Yeah-you’ll hear more about those as time goes on. I promise you that!)

What I DID do was get an oil change and tires rotated on my car. Had my eyebrows waxed to make me look even more fabulous. (I know-you wouldn’t think that was possible!) I face-timed with my sister-in-law while in a craft store to help her get things for her Christmas photo shoot for a magazine she designs recipes for. (And seriously, who sends a “not-the-least-bit-crafty” person to a craft store?) Then I chatted with my fabulous dog-sitter while my Baby Girl was freaking out because her two favorite humans were paying attention to her!

And I wrote. And I did dishes. And I plotted a story outline. And I set the smoke-alarm off because I cooked.

And now I am writing on my blog.

All while wearing black!

All while smiling like a total dingus!

All while being calm and free!

I suppose you could say I lived that old cliche…

Today truly was the first day of the rest of my life.

And it was freaking FABULOUS!!!

Ever do something that, in some people’s opinion, may seem like an impetuous action?                                                                                                                                                                          Well….I did. (And by “impetuous” I mean dumb-fuck idea!)

But it really was not as impetuous as some people think. Okay! The timing was a split second decision. BUT! It was something I had thought about and wondered about and cried about and screamed about and prayed about and….          

You get the idea.  (sigh)

I quit my job.   

In fact…today was my last day of work. (Yay me!)

I am taking on the dream I have had since I was a child.

I am going to work and focus on my writing full-time.

And if I am honest…and I try very hard to be…I will admit to being scared.

Excited as hell? YES! But I am scared. Terrified. Nervous. Worried.

But, enveloped within that fear, there is a soft current of peace. And I am floating on that gentle ripple.  I am at peace with this choice.

I want this so much! I want to succeed! I want to write words and thoughts and ideas and I know that to do that, I must work through my fear to make this happen.

You see, I believe that if you wish to be a success in your life-whatever your definition is of success-you need to be at peace with yourself and your decisions. That is all I have ever wanted in my life.

To finally be at peace with the life I lead.

But I have not had a great deal of peace, nor contentment, in this life.

I have had snippets of those things here and there. But not till I made the choice to leave a full-time job with so-so pay and insurance did I gain a warming embrace of calm.

Okay! I know! This whole thing could go tits up! But it will have to fight me first before I let it simply fail.

I want this so very much! And that scares me! (But in a good way-because when isn’t being scared as hell a good thing!)

Despite all the butterflies tap-dancing in my chest-I am finding peace in the fear of this wanting. Because that fear is pushing me forward.

No more sitting stagnant. No more wondering “what if” or “why not me”. No more excuses as to WHY I cannot do the very thing I want to do. No more denying myself.

Oh, my lovelies! How freeing it has been to take this step without any definitive plan other than to get up each day and embrace the peace of doing what I love so much.

But there is always plenty of sarcasm!

I started this blog so I could enhance my writing. Did I mention I love to write? Heck! Have I even mentioned who I am?

I am Pamela! And while I will jokingly say that should be enough of an introduction, I know it is not.  I was encouraged (aka: badgered by well meaning freinds and loved ones!) to start this little space of words and randomness because I needed to express myself.

So…here I am! Expressing myself!

I will get better at all of this as I learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. As I fine tune the look and the ideas I want to share. You will see lots of picutres of my beloved Lulu-my Baby Girl. And you will learn of my unbridled obsession for Leaonard Nimoy. And Dave Grohl. And my imaginary monkey butler named Mr. Skittles. (Okay-maybe the imaginary monkey can wait a while.)

But I just want to share with you things I find interesting. Funny moments in a random life. Thoughts and passions for everything that crosses my path!

I will keep at this and hopefully you will all enjoy it!

Peace out, my lovelies!

This is all still a work-in-progress! But I am committed to making this fun and interesting and …. well …. lots of things I suppose.

Trying to get a feel for a design.

Trying to figure out how to navigate this site.

Trying to share the fabulous!!

Please stay tuned my lovelies! It will get better! I promise!

I just started this blog to fulfill my deep need and desire to write. It is a simple thing in a way, a few words on a screen for you to read and enjoy. But for me it is so much more.

It is a haven.

A place of respite and peace where I can share my thoughts or feelings or opinion or just randomness. And I truly hope you all will enjoy as I work my way through the twists and turns of learning this whole blog thing.

So…my promise!

I will try to make this fun and interesting for  you all!  I will share myself and my art of words.

So please stick around!

Stay fabulous my lovlies!