Writing Ramblings!

With silent rage
Towards the world around
Fear of life
Fear of death
Passing away
From this light
To the next
Not knowing
Not seeking
Just waiting
For grace
Denied
For breath
Stolen
For hope
Grasping
No
Turn from this
From the blurry sight
Of a staggering pain
Tears soak
Tears sting
Life rejoices
Without you
For you
Despite you
With longing looks
And discordant sighs
You reach
You grasp
You let go
It burns
The light of day
The light of life
The light of hope
How can this be
How can this happen
How can I escape
To a place of peace
To a place of calm
To a place of silence
For the screams of sorrow
Rocket
Explode
Impale
Wounding this heart
Already shattered
Held by duct tape
And wishes
Knowing is not
Freedom
Knowing is not
Joyous
Knowing is
Daunting
Yet I will try
I will step away
From the comfort
Of solitude
Of silence
Step from the edge
To the searing
Sunlight
Of day dawning
Staggering
To my knees
In prayer
In supplication
In anticipation
That today
This day
This moment
This will be
The turning tide
The swelling wave
Pushing me up
Pulling me under
Throwing me to the surface
Gasping for air
Begging for mercy
Praying for release
End this
Or start this
But this must
Be
Done
I beg
I promise to be good
If only
If only you would
Let this
Be done with me

P. A. Proffitt
*******************

Renegade mascara
Running in rivulets down the cheeks
Of the sacred worshipper to pain and purgatory
With years of shadows flowing and covering the scorned heart
Of this one
Who seeks for herself and yet always finds for others

The hope
The love
The peace they desire

All the while
The mascara blurs the vision of the one who is
the fixer for those lost souls

Searching for the right shade
to color their world
to brighten their eyes
to help them pout their lips
in expectation of the fevered kiss from the world

That has been brought to their door

With bows and flourish
From the soul weary worshiper at the temple of pain
Longing to regain her place
As diva divine with tiara in hand

She stands with weary shoulders sagging
from the weight
Of longing for more and finding

Nothing for her

In this jewel box of people
That she takes care of and taken for granted by
Standing with tears drying
In black streaks along the cheeks

Of the one who stands
Against the world and hell itself to protect those she cares for
Yet never protecting herself

A touch of mascara to the lash does nothing to cover the life bruised eyes
A hint of gloss to the lips will not stop their trembling
Longing for more than a shoulder pat and empty words
Seeking love for this one so loveless

For this diva divine
For as she looks into the mirror

The running mascara is mine

P. A. Proffitt

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

You did your best I guess but I didn’t get even
Half of you
Less than the best of the rest of you

Mama

I made excuses
I would tell white lies
To sooth my heart
To end the questions
I was always asked
By strangers that passed us
And those who knew

Daddy

I was asked to be
Less a child and more
A stepping stone
All alone
I would hold your hand while you cried
I would kiss your boo boos but
You never kissed mine

Mama

I was never worth more than a glance
Always askew
Always askance
You never let me dream
Reminded me only fools
Believed
In shooting star wishes

Daddy

What made me think
I could be anything
I was an after thought
All for naught
I’m nothing special
In your eyes

I tried so hard

Oh Mama

I tried so hard

Oh Daddy

I tried to be
A better version of me
But you only saw
What you wanted to see
Not the pretty one
No never good enough
Not ever going to be
Worthy of more than your disdain
A cup for your own pain

It’s so many years since you’ve been gone
Thought I would be
Better off you see
But you’re still haunting me

Mama

Why
Couldn’t you love this quiet child

Daddy

Why
Couldn’t I be special for even a moment
Did you know that as I grew up
My best friend was someone else’s pup
And my own make believe
Was where I would rather be
Than in a house that was no home

A place of screams and tears
Of hate
Of fears
From all of you
What could I do
But walk away

Mama

Walk away

Daddy

Yet you still poisoned me
And what I could be
Never the good enough girl
Never the one you wanted
Never worth more than a huff of breath
I was nothing left for you to care
I want to hate you
I should
I could
But hate is so exhausting
And love is too grand an offering
On the pyre of what you
Once were to me

P. A. Proffitt

++++++++++

your poem

I look towards you
with eyes wide and searching
wondering behind this veil
of repressed emotion
I ask your minds quiet cadence
what voice would you give
what flair of phrase or verb
what would you say if you knew no one
but me
would listen
what
I wonder
would your poetry be
puns and prose of humor
or filled with pain and regret
for lost wishes
imagined glances

Let your wishful heart
sing to me
with deep vibrato
the song of your mind
the psalms of your soul
deep intonation
of what you desire
of what you despise

Longing is the penance I have paid
cease my own anguish
for you will have the wanting returned
if I but knew
what your words would be
for a hundred fold
I return in word and deed
in kiss and caress
alms to your beggar’s heart

For I look upon you
halo of wistfulness surrounding your being
like moon glow
know that you are an angel within my mind’s eye
and I a supplicant to your deity

I feel the burning embers of desire within
I want to call out
to beg
to lay prostrate at your feet

Please give to me the poetry of your heart
for I will hold it within me
as something precious
and rare

For that is what you are to me
 

P. A. Proffitt

+++++++++++

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